Let it Snow (please!)

Guess where I am? Back in good ole Auburn, the home of this year's BCS CHAMPIONS!!! Just sayin'.

Can I tell you a secret? I didn't want to come back. I really didn't want to come back. Partly because coming back meant being responsible again. It meant hard work, early mornings, late nights. Partly because I got pretty homesick last semester, and I didn't want to have to deal with that again. There are many reasons why I feel like I should be home (my great-grandma, my little sisters, my parents, my dog...)

It was really hard to leave.

But now that I'm back, I remember how much I love it here. I love the new people that I've met. I'm still unsure how to define them (close friends? Friends? Buddies?), but maybe you don't have to define each and every relationship you have. Life isn't always so cut and dry, and words mean different things to different people.

Not only do I love the people here, but I love what I do! Volunteering with the international students, being in the music department. I feel much more purposeful here than back home.

So, that's that. It's also quite a bit chillier here than it was in Florida. Back home, I was wearing short-sleeved t-shirts a lot. Sunday night welcomed me back to Auburn with freezing rain. I don't think I've ever experienced freezing rain before, actually. It sounded like thousands of tiny beads were falling from the sky. The next morning, all of the trees were covered with ice. Luckily for me, most of the brick pathways were not frozen over, so I didn't slip and fall everywhere on my way to the piano practice rooms.

As cool as frozen trees are, snow is much cooler than ice, any day.

And here's another not-so-private secret: I've never seen it snow. I have never witnessed snow falling from the sky. I've seen a mountain sprayed with fake, man-made snow (I went skiing at a weird time in the season, before real snow had time to fall). But I have never seen the actual event occur.

I'm hoping that will change soon.

Here we go again...

Another year!

I am heading back to Auburn this weekend. I am not ready for the next semester. For one thing, I don't have my songs learned yet. My piano professor and I met last semester to discuss what pieces I would work on this year, and I was expected to have prepared them over the break. I had a month off. Well...

I did practice, but I mostly practiced the songs for a Christmas Eve service where I was part of a small ensemble. (That service went really well, by the way. I really enjoyed the rehearsals and the performance aspect of it, but not so much having to practice on my own, or getting the music for Friday on Monday. I need more time than that.) My family also traveled a good bit. We visited most of our extended family, which basically means we toured Florida. Now, within my family, our house is the only one with a piano, so it is impossible for me to practice while we visit family.

Still, I was home enough to learn the pieces better than I have.

It's raining right now. Really heavily, as though each rain drop is a bullet. I'm slouching on the couch blogging, my slippered feet propped up on the coffee table in front of me. My littlest sister is next to me, also on her laptop. We'll probably play The Sims 3 together later today. My mom is to my right, on her desktop replacement, which makes my little Toshiba look like a matchbox. Our dog, who is terrified of bad weather, is cowering on the couch between us.

I like having them near, so easily accessible.

Tomorrow, my sisters start school again. We'll all resume our responsibilities. The pace will pick up, and rainy days will still have to be productive in some way. Such is life. Starting tomorrow.

I'll be home for Christmas

So, I AM home for Christmas, and it's very good to be back.

I think, over all, this semester was a success. So, what have I learned so far?

I do not like having classes after four in the afternoon. I do not like having classes back to back when they are located across campus from each other. Lunches with friends are fun, but they take more time. Studying in my dorm room allows for many distractions. Studying in the Student Center leads to buying food I don't need. Studying in the library always ends early. Make time for God, for friends, and for morning coffee. Call home often, just to chat. Make to-do lists, but be flexible.

And never, for one second, think you've got it under control, because that's exactly when everything falls apart.

I made it out alive. Actually, relatively unscathed. Classes haven't gone straight over my head yet, and time management hasn't failed. So, that's that. I'm one/eighth of the way there.

Shifting Paradigms

Just as I'm getting used to everything ... it's over.

This is finals week. I've found myself with an abundance of free time, a long to-do list, and a short attention span. Our piano juries were on Monday, and I still haven't gotten feedback from it. I took my first final last night: Spanish. I think I did okay, but I remembered this morning that I forgot to add in some stuff on my essay. Oh well.

At my core, I feel the same. But I also sense that I've changed a lot this semester.

What defines a friend? How often do you see them? How much do you actually know about them? Is time a factor at all, or can friends be instant?

And best friends. How do you define those? Are best friends relative to the other friends you have? Or is there just some special factor about a person that grants them such a status, regardless of how long you've known them or how much time you spend together?

Some days, I feel like an actress in a play. The people around me are only surface-level characters. We speak our scripted lines, and take our cues. We act as friends, because that is what we're supposed to do. Every now and then, someone slips up and says something out of character. That's when I remember that I do not really know these people. I only know their characters. That's when I suddenly remember the stage, the costumes and masks.

But we smooth it over, and continue. The play must go on.

On a less symbolic and more literal level, Auburn won the SEC championship! I watched the game in the Auburn Arena with a few other freshman girls. [Friends? Potential best friends?]

Turkey and Dressing

So, this past week was Thanksgiving Break. I had over a week off from school, and it was amazing to be back home. I saw all of my friends and family in the span of five days during my time off. At times, it did feel mildly rushed, but there is the promise of Christmas break right around the corner, when I will hopefully be seeing all these wonderfully familiar faces again.

So, confession: I did not spend much time being thankful or reflective over Thanksgiving. Instead, I spent much more time living moment by moment, and sometimes being quite selfish.

Speaking of confessions, I've been trying very hard this semester to be honest. Over time, I have discovered that I value the truth a lot more than I thought I did. I still don't like to hear it sometimes, and I still tried to hide from it often, but I do not want to be surrounded by dishonest people. There is so much value in sincerity. So, accordingly, I have been attempting to be more honest in my representation of myself. It's easy to put a spin on my words or actions, to cover faults and extol pretend virtues. But I don't want to do that anymore. You cannot claim to be loved if you are not known.

That said, I think you should know:

I am not always honest. I fight with a very compelling desire to be seen as an angel, and it is very difficult for me to confront faults or failures. (So be warned, if you address me about this topic in person, I will most likely become very defensive). I am also hypocritical. Arrogant people irritate me, yet I know that I am prideful. Ironically, I dislike hypocrites. I am fully capable of thinking and saying cruel, judgmental things. I am not innocent or anywhere near perfect. I keep secrets, I spill secrets, I envy, I ignore. I fail.

I'm not anything like an angel. I'm just human.

How to Eat Fried Worms

Pop it in, crunch, and swallow!!!

Yes, that's right, I ate a fried worm. It's all the rage in Thailand, I hear. These actually smelled a lot like peanuts, and they were so fried they reminded me of pork rinds.

A missionary who has lived in Thailand for 13 years actually spoke last Tuesday at the BCM. His message basically dealt with the idea that sometimes what God calls us to do is going to be unfamiliar and uncomfortable. And he also emphasized how God has called us to love people. Which is where the fried worms came in. Loving people means respecting their culture, and sometimes that can mean eating the food they offer you. When he offered a sample of the worms to all of the students at the BCM, almost everyone surged forward to try a worm.

Now, normally, I don't think I would have eaten one. I figure, I can wait to eat worms until I'm actually in a country where that's a common practice. However, I remembered a guy I've met from Thailand and decided, you know what? I'll eat a worm. I'll be brave and try something new and then I can tell him!

Well, I did tell him, and come to find out, he's never eaten a worm before. He said as far as bugs go, all he's ever eaten were ants.

Last night, I had a grand adventure: I went to a frat formal. (It was on a boat!!!) Apparently, 'formal' actually meant formal and not semi-formal so I was one of two girls not wearing a floor-length dress (mine only went just below my knee), but the two of us ended up sitting at the same table for dinner. And coincidentally, our dresses were the same color. Also, I don't have any elegant jackets so...I just didn't bring one. Luckily, dinner was inside, but dancing was not. I didn't dance much.

Even after eating a worm last Tuesday, I found I gagged on a large clump of fat in a bite of meat. I couldn't convince myself to swallow it. I had to leave and chunk it in a trash can in the restroom. So that was that. Awkward girl in a not-formal-enough dress with a mouthful of fatty meat. So classy.

If I were more of a lady, this may have bothered me. However, I am not a lady. I am a girl, so it serves as an entertaining story.

I definitely enjoyed myself.

I wish you out of the woods...

And into a picture with me!!

So, I've gotta admit, I'm homesick. Terribly homesick. I can make it through most of the day cheerfully. Until I stop to think, and then I'm suddenly overwhelmed by how far away from home I am, how scattered my friends are, how little I know anyone here. It's scary. No family, no church home, no friends. No one.

And then on top of the sheer loneliness, I feel guilty. I am a horrible person. I don't get nearly as much work done when I'm emotionally drained like this. I also tend to be snippy with people who don't deserve my bad attitude. But if anyone dares to confront my faults, I deny everything. Vehemently.

So that's this week so far, but it's only Monday. Maybe it'll get better?

By the way, my family was here this past weekend! I had so much fun with them, and I was glad they took the time to come see me, but it really stunk getting left behind Sunday afternoon. I wanted to beg them to take me with them.


(Title is a quote from the song "Out of the Woods" by Nickel Creek, btw).