To the only guy who reads this...

I'm sorry I haven't posted since forever ago. Thanks for reading, always. And thanks for reminding me to post. This one's purely for you. :)

It's been a while since I've said this...









Love you too.

The Fourth

One really cool thing about my house in Florida is that you can see the fireworks display from our street, so instead of having to pack lawn chairs into our car and fight crowds, we get to step out our front door two minutes before the fireworks are scheduled to start. Yup, we've got it made.

What's even cooler is that in the opposite direction you can see the fireworks from a neighboring city cresting the trees at the end of our street. The view isn't nearly as clear, but it is kinda awesome to be able to see two different firework displays at the same time.

All my piano lessons were canceled for the day, so I got to take the day off! Normally, my grandparents come down to celebrate the fourth with us. However, since my great-grandmother's stroke, my grandma does not like leaving town for long periods of time. We almost went to see them, but when we realized how much time we'd spent in the car lately and remembered that we have to visit the other side of the family sometime this month, we decided we needed a break from all the travel.

The worst part about the July 4th is that the noise terrifies my dog. She starts hyperventilating and following people around and licking their heels to beg, "Please don't leave me!"

My littlest sister was particularly impressed with the fireworks that had specific shapes. Stars, one that might possibly have been a flag, a few flowers, and some smiley faces. I like them too, but it always amuses me what angles they manifest themselves in. Sideways, diagonal, and occasionally one will be upright. Sometimes they are barely recognizable!

Oh, you upside-down smiley face fireworks, what patriotism you inspire in me.

Swift Bird and White Horse

So I got home last night around 11:30 after a very long return trip from a Native American Reservation in South Dakota. All in all, I spent about 70 hours in the car getting up there and getting back down. The ride was brutal.

Still, I want to go back.

We did VBS with the kids up there, each of us at two of five locations. The communities consisted of a few streets each, small clusters of houses, dogs roaming everywhere. But those kids...It was awful telling them goodbye. I didn't want to leave them. I entered a sort of preemptive grieving period while we were still there, but before we left God gave me a sense of peace about it. I can't be everything, do everything, be everywhere. I cannot help everyone and give them all they need. But He can. And in the meantime, I can pray.

I definitely want to go back, and stay longer this time. I want to really have the time to get to know those kids.

I still don't know what I want to do with my majors, what kind of career I want to pursue. But wherever I end up, I want to invest myself in the community. I want to make myself available to help, to encourage, to guide. For the first time, I could see myself being a teacher. I still don't know if that's what I really want to do, but it doesn't seem like such an impossibility anymore. I think I would enjoy it.

During the trip, I traveled through multiple states I had never previously visited: Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, and of course, South Dakota. It was interesting to watch the terrain gradually change. It was incredible to be able to see for miles and miles all around you, to see the hills rolling endlessly before you, to watch a sea of grass ripple under a gust of wind. I saw buffalo for the first time, as well as prairie dogs and antelope. We stopped by the Badlands on the way up, which was an experience in itself. I saw huge windmills and terraced farm land and wild horses. Life up there was pretty different from life in Florida, or even in Auburn. They were so isolated in such small communities, surrounded by such vast space.

I liked it. All of you praying folk out there, keep those kids up there in your prayers. And keep your eyes open to the needs of those around you. Suffering and pain are ever-present. You don't have to travel 1500 miles to find someone in need.

There. That's my advice of the day. :)

Handmade

So my mom and I made a quilt together. It was a lot of work, and she did most of it, but I'm really glad we did it. It's bright blue and bright green with some brown and beige and stuff. I don't really know how to describe it. We used the Double Irish Chain pattern, for any of you out there who know what that means or are willing to look it up.

So I'm helping out with the Vacation Bible School at my church again this year, as I have for the past...seven years, now (sheesh, I'm old). I've been looking into all the faces of these little kids at my church, and I realize how much I love children. I'm not always very good at interacting with them. I'm especially clueless when it comes to the really little ones. But I love kids!

I've also been teaching piano lessons. I have about 17 students registered, but not all of them have begun lessons yet. It's been an incredible experience so far. I love all of my students, and I'm growing so much as a pianist and as a teacher through this all. I'm so glad I did this. I still don't know if it's something I'll want to do forever, but it's at least one way I've found that I would enjoy using something I'm studying at Auburn.

I spoke with a woman who goes to my church whose family is currently in the process of an international adoption. The little boy's name is Isaiah, and he's currently in Africa. He's about nine months old. She showed me pictures, and spoke of how anxious she is to be able to see him, be with him. "Right now I can't even hold him when he cries." It just amazed me how much love she had for a little boy she'd never met. She has four other children, and speaking with them, they seemed equally emotionally involved in this process. They pointed out which pictures where the most recent and which were older.

I want to adopt. One day, when I'm older. If I'm an old maid all my life and never get married, I still want to adopt. If I have 6 kids of my own, I still want to adopt. Each little face is immeasurably valuable and so full of potential. I want to be that person for somebody: that person who sees and expresses their value to them.

It also reinforces my belief that abortion is the wrong option for women to take. There are families with open arms waiting to welcome these kids. Granted, there are less of these families than there are children in need of adoption. But abortion never even gives them a chance to be loved!

More on this later. It's not that I want to condemn anyone, or tell people how to live their lives. I just really truly believe that each little embryo has a right to life. We can talk about pro-choice all we want, but the truth is, there are millions of unborn babies who never had a choice.

It's storming right now. Thundering something crazy. When my window rattles, it squeaks, too. I love the sound of rain. It lulls me to sleep...

Rant: On Hitler

Okay, so, here's something that's been nagging at me today. Hitler. We all know the story: bad guy, responsible for the cruel deaths of countless people, etc. He was sick and twisted and we all know that. I'm not disputing that at all.

Still...

He was not subhuman. He was not an animal. He was not worthless.

He was a created man, loved by God, valued by God. He was not past forgiveness. If he would have turned to Christ and asked for forgiveness, he would have had it in a heartbeat. So how can we hate him? How can we harbor bitterness in our hearts towards any human being, no matter their past or their sins? Do you understand that the Bible says hatred is equivalent to murder? (1 John 3:15) So if we hate Hitler, or Stalin or Lenin or any other human being who ever did anyone wrong, we're hypocrites. We are murderers too.

We tend to think that Hitler's wrongs are somehow much more terrible than our own. And yeah, it would seem like that. But I'm not so sure. Sin is sin is sin, and it all bears the same consequence eternally. Maybe Hitler was in a position where his wrongdoings had a larger impact globally, but we're not better than him just because we've hurt less people than he did. We've all hurt somebody. Maybe not intentionally, maybe not physically, maybe not fatally. But we've all been in the wrong. We just happen to be wrong on a smaller scale. We're all capable of things we don't want to admit to. Do you know how manipulative you can be? Do you know how hurtful you can be? We're just as vulnerable to the lies of the devil as Hitler was.

I'm not saying what Hitler did was in any way justifiable. I'm not saying I condone it. But it also is not our job to judge, our duty to condemn. That's God's responsibility, and we should leave it to Him.

1 John 4:20-21 also says "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has see, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

And so maybe you're thinking, but doesn't the Bible say hate evil? Yeah, evil deeds. Hate the sin, not the sinner. I don't believe that people can really be pure evil. I think the Devil can and is, and possibly demon-possessed people could act purely evil. But we're all created in God's image, we all have souls, and they are all of equal value.

And so maybe you're thinking, so what? Hitler's dead. He doesn't care.

And so maybe you're thinking, everybody hates Hitler. What's the big deal?

This isn't just about Hitler. He's just an example. I'm addressing hatred overall. Christ-followers are called to love, not hate. That applies to Hitler, to terrorists, to our political leader, and to the neighbor who always lets their dog poo in your yard. They are all created and loved by God. We are called on to love them too.

Guess where I am?

I'm in the basement of my dorm, where it is kinda stuffy and which I've never seen before. However, it is much safer down here because there are no windows and we're below ground.

We're hiding from tornadoes.

There's no rain or anything, just some wind. I'm hoping it's an over-precaution. Growing up in Florida, I've experienced lots of hurricanes and all that jazz. Every now and then, you'd hear about a tornado or water spout. We always evacuated during hurricanes, though, so I don't have a lot of near-death stories (thank goodness).

However, one Christmas Eve I was in my room with my puppy already in her crate, ready for bed, when all of the sudden the wind changed tone. I don't know how to describe the sound. It sounded like the roof was about to be ripped off.

My mom burst in and dragged me to the living room. I was yelling about the dog, because she'd been left behind helpless in her crate. She was yelling about how we had to get to my sister's bathroom, which doesn't have windows. My whole family was in the living room, chaotically trying to assess that we were all there and trying to find the bathroom. Of course, then the power went out. Now we were all yelling in the dark.

And by that time, it was over.

It was terrifying, and it was all over so fast. Hardly any time at all to react, especially if your initial reaction is to panic.

So, that's why I'm in the basement. Just in case.

Also, classes are over now. My first exam is on Monday. I can't believe I've almost made it through one year of college...

Op. 10, No. 1

Ballade in D Minor, "Edward". Johannes Brahms (1833-1897)

"Brahms was a romantic composer. The piece I'm going to share with you today is the first of four ballades composed earlier in his career, which was characterized by a very thick texture. This piece is unique in that it was based on an extramusical program, an anonymous Scottish ballad recounting a conversation between a man named Edward and his mother. The first notes you will hear pose the mother's question to her son: why is your sword covered in blood? As the dialogue unfolds, you will hear two very distinct voices: the mother asking questions and Edward making excuses. Listen carefully for the moment when Edward finally decides to confess that he has just slain his father."

They...laughed.

It's a very strange feeling to stand on a stage when the audience is laughing and you don't understand why. It feels very much like being made fun of. Now, I guess I can see why they would laugh. I tried very hard to be somber and serious, but maybe I was too over-dramatic. Maybe I was too nonchalant when I described the conversation. Maybe I surprised them too much with the last sentence. I don't know...but they laughed, and I didn't see what was funny.

It's a terrible feeling to stand in front of a crowd that is booing. About a year ago, I was graduating from high school and my church was holding a ceremony to honor all of their grads. I wanted them to cheer. I wanted them to be proud. At first, I didn't understand the noises I was hearing. I was so confused, and when I realized, I was so hurt. They were booing because I was going to Auburn, a football rival.

How silly.

It's a silly reason to boo, but I also know it's a very silly reason for me to be so upset. Just a joke, all in good fun. Maybe if I'd understood, I wouldn't have felt so shaken.

It should be noted, though, I've gone the past three days without ANY caffeine. :) I wonder if that's affecting my range of emotions...hmm...

Silence

Sorry for the long lack of posts. I just got caught up in lots of things, everything that is college. There was so much that I wanted to tell you, to share with you. I saw snow fall for the first time (it only lasted about five minutes, maybe less) and my family drove up to visit me. I played in a master class, and had one rough week feeling like a fraud. I've had successes and failures, wrote papers, took tests, and I spent a restful spring break at home with my family.

One thing about college that is so very different from high school is that experiences aren't shared the same way anymore. Back then, you spent the vast majority of your days with the same small group of people. But now, high school friends are in new places that are completely foreign to you, and your family is celebrating birthdays that you used to celebrate with them. Even friends that I've made here only have so much in common with me.

It's difficult to share everything.

So, what do you decide to share?

Well, here's one thing I thought I'd share with you: my spider friend died. He came down from the ceiling. On the microwave, he looked a lot less friendly.

Suspense

My spider friend is on the ceiling again. Apparently, he hasn't starved yet. Only, he is positioned right above my bed which makes me very uncomfortable. So, instead of trying to sleep, I decided to blog.

So, funny story. This week, before my piano lesson, the professor had to step out for a moment. At which point, I remembered I had forgotten something I deemed vitally important in another part of the building, so I burst out of his office in search of this essential object. I wasn't gone long, and as I rounded the corner on my way back, I found my teacher standing outside his office with a confused expression on his face. He had been knocking on the door, which was closed and, I soon realized, locked.

I hadn't meant to shut the door behind me, but apparently I had. And my teacher had been wondering why I wasn't opening the door for him. I felt terribly guilty, but my professor wasn't too upset about it, so then I just felt a little guilty. And after the fact, amused.

Anyway, he eventually tracked down someone else who had a master key and could let him in. My lesson was only delayed by fifteen minutes or so. I decided I would wait inside the office while he returned the borrowed set of keys.

Well, I've finished writing everything I wished to tell you tonight, but my stubborn spider friend hasn't budged an inch. I think I'll sleep with the covers over my head tonight.

The Overflow of the Heart

Right off the bat, we get a three day weekend. I'm going to be spoiled. What will I do when I actually have to work again?

So my first few days of school haven't been too bad. Granted, most of the real work hasn't started yet. So given the long weekend and the lack of assignments, I had some extra free time today! I went to the Student Act with some other piano majors and tried out the elliptical machines there!

Now, this was a grand adventure for multiple reasons. First of all, I have never been to the Student Act so I was exploring a little bit. Secondly, I have never used an elliptical machine before. It took me a while to warm up to it. And finally, I hardly ever volunteer to sweat. I hate sweating. You can just imagine how much I enjoyed this excursion.

In retrospect, I feel very accomplished and I'm glad I went.

Also, there is a spider on the ceiling of my dorm room. It's the first spider I've seen here, and I want to kill it because I don't really like spiders. But, the thought occurs to me that it might be here because it has things to feed on. If that's the case, I would like it to continue. If there are bugs in my room, then I want the spider to eat them. If there aren't bugs, then the spider will leave or starve.

Besides, I can't reach it.

Let it Snow (please!)

Guess where I am? Back in good ole Auburn, the home of this year's BCS CHAMPIONS!!! Just sayin'.

Can I tell you a secret? I didn't want to come back. I really didn't want to come back. Partly because coming back meant being responsible again. It meant hard work, early mornings, late nights. Partly because I got pretty homesick last semester, and I didn't want to have to deal with that again. There are many reasons why I feel like I should be home (my great-grandma, my little sisters, my parents, my dog...)

It was really hard to leave.

But now that I'm back, I remember how much I love it here. I love the new people that I've met. I'm still unsure how to define them (close friends? Friends? Buddies?), but maybe you don't have to define each and every relationship you have. Life isn't always so cut and dry, and words mean different things to different people.

Not only do I love the people here, but I love what I do! Volunteering with the international students, being in the music department. I feel much more purposeful here than back home.

So, that's that. It's also quite a bit chillier here than it was in Florida. Back home, I was wearing short-sleeved t-shirts a lot. Sunday night welcomed me back to Auburn with freezing rain. I don't think I've ever experienced freezing rain before, actually. It sounded like thousands of tiny beads were falling from the sky. The next morning, all of the trees were covered with ice. Luckily for me, most of the brick pathways were not frozen over, so I didn't slip and fall everywhere on my way to the piano practice rooms.

As cool as frozen trees are, snow is much cooler than ice, any day.

And here's another not-so-private secret: I've never seen it snow. I have never witnessed snow falling from the sky. I've seen a mountain sprayed with fake, man-made snow (I went skiing at a weird time in the season, before real snow had time to fall). But I have never seen the actual event occur.

I'm hoping that will change soon.

Here we go again...

Another year!

I am heading back to Auburn this weekend. I am not ready for the next semester. For one thing, I don't have my songs learned yet. My piano professor and I met last semester to discuss what pieces I would work on this year, and I was expected to have prepared them over the break. I had a month off. Well...

I did practice, but I mostly practiced the songs for a Christmas Eve service where I was part of a small ensemble. (That service went really well, by the way. I really enjoyed the rehearsals and the performance aspect of it, but not so much having to practice on my own, or getting the music for Friday on Monday. I need more time than that.) My family also traveled a good bit. We visited most of our extended family, which basically means we toured Florida. Now, within my family, our house is the only one with a piano, so it is impossible for me to practice while we visit family.

Still, I was home enough to learn the pieces better than I have.

It's raining right now. Really heavily, as though each rain drop is a bullet. I'm slouching on the couch blogging, my slippered feet propped up on the coffee table in front of me. My littlest sister is next to me, also on her laptop. We'll probably play The Sims 3 together later today. My mom is to my right, on her desktop replacement, which makes my little Toshiba look like a matchbox. Our dog, who is terrified of bad weather, is cowering on the couch between us.

I like having them near, so easily accessible.

Tomorrow, my sisters start school again. We'll all resume our responsibilities. The pace will pick up, and rainy days will still have to be productive in some way. Such is life. Starting tomorrow.