...When my mom sends me to the grocery store with a brief list of requested items. I call her two or three times to verify brands and quantities. I casually walk up and down the same aisle before I spot what I am looking for.
...When I bake cookies or make mac 'n' cheese for my youngest sister. I keep the instructions at hand and reference them often. I ask my sister for permission before I adjust the temperature or set the timer.
...When I call the auto shop with questions about my car. I sound informed and knowledgeable as I ask and answer questions. I read from a cheat-sheet my mother made for me with terminology and facts about the vehicle.
...When I clean. I use the supplies my mother bought and follow the steps she set down for me. I scrub, and spray, and wipe, and dust, and vacuum.
I feel like I am playing house. Pretending to be what I am not. Posing. Lying. Hiding behind a facade. At what point will I transition from this dependence, the hesitance and uncertainty, to confidence and independence? When will it not be playing anymore?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
If I had two hands...
So this week has been pretty off-beat. No school yesterday - it was a hurricane day! Today was Veteran's Day, so no school again. I am going to a concert tomorrow night (Barlowgirl, woot!) and on Friday, I have a field trip. Yup, this is the life. We should have weeks like this all the time.
Last night, though, I didn't sleep so good. I took a prolonged nap yesterday afternoon that made it hard to fall back asleep last night. Then, around four in the morning, something spooked my dog. She started pawing at her crate and whimpering and half-wolfing, trying to get my attention. It's a fairly regular occurrence - my dog is terrified of bad weather, and we live in Florida, so she wakes me up all the time. It took me a while to notice that it wasn't raining. As I slowly surfaced from my dreams, I noticed this high-pitched squeak that went off, like a shoe scuffing just right on a gym floor, or the warning that the battery in your smoke alarm is dying. I kept hushing my dog, listening intently. I heard it again, multiple times in the next ten minutes, but it was irregular, sporadic.
When my dog is spooked, I get spooked. So, I used my cell phone as a make-shift flashlight and searched the room. Nothing. I put my ear to the door, but couldn't hear anything over my dog's complaints. So I let her out of her crate. She was watching the door, too, which further creeped me out, so I locked it. Now my room and my youngest sister's room are connected by a bathroom, so I peeked in on her. She was fast asleep and still alive, which was considerably reassuring. I had almost convinced myself it was nothing and I should just go back to sleep, when I decided to flip on a light. Nothing happened. I frantically flipped it on and off, tried the next one, and the next, and then realized the power was out.
Now I'm not afraid of the dark or anything, but I do watch a lot of murder mystery shows, and the first thought that occurred to me was - does our alarm system run off a battery or will it be affected by the power outage too? Is there someone in my house?
I finally steeled myself enough to peek out my bedroom door to see if the alarm was still activated. (Yes, it does run off a battery. It was still working). I tried to tell myself that if the alarm was on, there was no way anyone could have broken into our house without our knowledge. Our alarm is not subtle - it kills your ear drums and about stops your heart every time it is set off. Still, I couldn't get the image of some stranger standing over my little sister's bed out of my head. I jumped when I heard the squeal of someone's tires nearby, spinning and swerving away.
Taking deep breaths, I scooped my puppy up onto my bed and laid back down, my cell phone still in my hands. I had just managed to close my eyes and relax just the slightest when, from the bedroom next to mine, I heard a little girl cry out.
My heart in my throat, I shot up and ran to her room, calling out her name. I felt sick. She said she was scared, because there was no light. But she was fine, and there was no one in her room.
In the end, we woke my mom up. Because my little sister wanted her, of course. I'm a big girl - I can handle stuff like this. My mom lit some candles and we sat around in the living room until 5:30 when, exhausted, I finally decided to try sleeping again. My little sister climbed into the bed with me, and just as we were falling asleep, the power kicked back on and this high-pitched squeak sounded. This time, there was no doubt - it definitely came from our alarm system. My mom thinks it just announced that it was running solely on battery, but who knows.
This is why I don't watch scary movies.
Anyway, after such a strange night, with less sleep than usual, I still managed to have an amazing day. My car, Winston, went to the doctor yesterday. He came back, having been diagnosed and operated on. He no longer groans when I turn, and he's much better about stopping when I tell him to.
I did a teensy bit of homework, practiced piano, took a nap to make up for the lost sleep the night before, and then reported for Praise Band Practice at church.
We have a new record - I had three whole friends at church tonight!!! Santa Maria came for the third time (she's such a good friend!), and I finally bullied Mateo and Chero into attending!!! (I so badly wanted to put a Spanish y for and just then...I resisted the urge, though.) So tonight, I actually had the immense privelege of sitting in between two people I know! I can't remember the last time that happened. I always end up in the aisle seat somehow, and the past two weeks, I've had to latch onto half-acquaintances to find someone to sit with. Anyway, it was good fun, and I hope they enjoyed themselves and weren't totally bored to tears.
And I think that's all I have to say...
(By the way, the title for this post comes from a Jars of Clay song. Good song. Me gusta. It makes more sense in context, though...)
Last night, though, I didn't sleep so good. I took a prolonged nap yesterday afternoon that made it hard to fall back asleep last night. Then, around four in the morning, something spooked my dog. She started pawing at her crate and whimpering and half-wolfing, trying to get my attention. It's a fairly regular occurrence - my dog is terrified of bad weather, and we live in Florida, so she wakes me up all the time. It took me a while to notice that it wasn't raining. As I slowly surfaced from my dreams, I noticed this high-pitched squeak that went off, like a shoe scuffing just right on a gym floor, or the warning that the battery in your smoke alarm is dying. I kept hushing my dog, listening intently. I heard it again, multiple times in the next ten minutes, but it was irregular, sporadic.
When my dog is spooked, I get spooked. So, I used my cell phone as a make-shift flashlight and searched the room. Nothing. I put my ear to the door, but couldn't hear anything over my dog's complaints. So I let her out of her crate. She was watching the door, too, which further creeped me out, so I locked it. Now my room and my youngest sister's room are connected by a bathroom, so I peeked in on her. She was fast asleep and still alive, which was considerably reassuring. I had almost convinced myself it was nothing and I should just go back to sleep, when I decided to flip on a light. Nothing happened. I frantically flipped it on and off, tried the next one, and the next, and then realized the power was out.
Now I'm not afraid of the dark or anything, but I do watch a lot of murder mystery shows, and the first thought that occurred to me was - does our alarm system run off a battery or will it be affected by the power outage too? Is there someone in my house?
I finally steeled myself enough to peek out my bedroom door to see if the alarm was still activated. (Yes, it does run off a battery. It was still working). I tried to tell myself that if the alarm was on, there was no way anyone could have broken into our house without our knowledge. Our alarm is not subtle - it kills your ear drums and about stops your heart every time it is set off. Still, I couldn't get the image of some stranger standing over my little sister's bed out of my head. I jumped when I heard the squeal of someone's tires nearby, spinning and swerving away.
Taking deep breaths, I scooped my puppy up onto my bed and laid back down, my cell phone still in my hands. I had just managed to close my eyes and relax just the slightest when, from the bedroom next to mine, I heard a little girl cry out.
My heart in my throat, I shot up and ran to her room, calling out her name. I felt sick. She said she was scared, because there was no light. But she was fine, and there was no one in her room.
In the end, we woke my mom up. Because my little sister wanted her, of course. I'm a big girl - I can handle stuff like this. My mom lit some candles and we sat around in the living room until 5:30 when, exhausted, I finally decided to try sleeping again. My little sister climbed into the bed with me, and just as we were falling asleep, the power kicked back on and this high-pitched squeak sounded. This time, there was no doubt - it definitely came from our alarm system. My mom thinks it just announced that it was running solely on battery, but who knows.
This is why I don't watch scary movies.
Anyway, after such a strange night, with less sleep than usual, I still managed to have an amazing day. My car, Winston, went to the doctor yesterday. He came back, having been diagnosed and operated on. He no longer groans when I turn, and he's much better about stopping when I tell him to.
I did a teensy bit of homework, practiced piano, took a nap to make up for the lost sleep the night before, and then reported for Praise Band Practice at church.
We have a new record - I had three whole friends at church tonight!!! Santa Maria came for the third time (she's such a good friend!), and I finally bullied Mateo and Chero into attending!!! (I so badly wanted to put a Spanish y for and just then...I resisted the urge, though.) So tonight, I actually had the immense privelege of sitting in between two people I know! I can't remember the last time that happened. I always end up in the aisle seat somehow, and the past two weeks, I've had to latch onto half-acquaintances to find someone to sit with. Anyway, it was good fun, and I hope they enjoyed themselves and weren't totally bored to tears.
And I think that's all I have to say...
(By the way, the title for this post comes from a Jars of Clay song. Good song. Me gusta. It makes more sense in context, though...)
Friday, November 6, 2009
Mail Time!
So my mother and I took my puppy for a walk today. On the way back, we went ahead and picked up the mail. As usual, there were a couple envelopes addressed to me from colleges. Cookie-cutter 'come here! we're awesome!' letters sent out to any and all likely candidates.
One envelope happened to be from one of the colleges I have applied to (my back-up choice, my least favorite). The letter read:
Dear Ms. Cabrera:
Congratulations! Your admission to the University of [insert name here] has been approved for the Fall Semester, 2010. Final admission will be granted when the Office of Admissions receives your successfully completed...
blah blah blah...
Important info here.
Less important info here.
On behalf of our faculty and staff, welcome to the University of [insert name here]!
Sincerely,
The Associate Director
My first college acceptance letter!!! Hopefully, one of three, but we'll see. I'm in! They got back to me really fast, actually. I've got a bit of a wait before I hear back from my other two choices. Anyway, it's kind of gratifying how fast they replied. I like to tell myself it's because they were so eager to have such a decorated student as I grace their school with my presence.
Yet another significant step in my senior year of high school. I wonder how much longer I have to wait until I hear from the others...
One envelope happened to be from one of the colleges I have applied to (my back-up choice, my least favorite). The letter read:
Dear Ms. Cabrera:
Congratulations! Your admission to the University of [insert name here] has been approved for the Fall Semester, 2010. Final admission will be granted when the Office of Admissions receives your successfully completed...
blah blah blah...
Important info here.
Less important info here.
On behalf of our faculty and staff, welcome to the University of [insert name here]!
Sincerely,
The Associate Director
My first college acceptance letter!!! Hopefully, one of three, but we'll see. I'm in! They got back to me really fast, actually. I've got a bit of a wait before I hear back from my other two choices. Anyway, it's kind of gratifying how fast they replied. I like to tell myself it's because they were so eager to have such a decorated student as I grace their school with my presence.
Yet another significant step in my senior year of high school. I wonder how much longer I have to wait until I hear from the others...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Epic...
Fail: math take home test, due tomorrow. Didn't finish. Can't finish. Oh well.
Poem: Just wrote one. Well, not really. The poem itself wasn't epic, but the fact that I actually wrote something is.
News: I made ALL STATE CHOIR!!! And so did SANTA MARIA, which is SOOO exciting because that means we're going to get to go TOGETHER! (I DON'T THINK TYPING IN ALL CAPS QUITE CONVEYS THE EXCITEMENT AND THRILL HERE, SO I'M GOING TO ADD SOME BOLDNESS AND ITALICS!!!)
Surprise: people actually read my blog. I feel like I should post more often now, out of obligation to these faithful (and few) readers.
Adventure: I went to the dentist today. My mouth is sore now, but my teeth are clean. I will probably undo all their hard work at removing the stains on my pearly whites when I drink my morning coffee tomorrow. I feel slightly guilty.
Date: I purposefully didn't blog about it the day of, but this past month, I turned EIGHTEEN!!! I'm old. The older I get, the more suspicious I become. I think growing up is a myth. Adults don't exist, just big kids in disguise. It's all a ruse!
Poem: Just wrote one. Well, not really. The poem itself wasn't epic, but the fact that I actually wrote something is.
News: I made ALL STATE CHOIR!!! And so did SANTA MARIA, which is SOOO exciting because that means we're going to get to go TOGETHER! (I DON'T THINK TYPING IN ALL CAPS QUITE CONVEYS THE EXCITEMENT AND THRILL HERE, SO I'M GOING TO ADD SOME BOLDNESS AND ITALICS!!!)
Surprise: people actually read my blog. I feel like I should post more often now, out of obligation to these faithful (and few) readers.
Adventure: I went to the dentist today. My mouth is sore now, but my teeth are clean. I will probably undo all their hard work at removing the stains on my pearly whites when I drink my morning coffee tomorrow. I feel slightly guilty.
Date: I purposefully didn't blog about it the day of, but this past month, I turned EIGHTEEN!!! I'm old. The older I get, the more suspicious I become. I think growing up is a myth. Adults don't exist, just big kids in disguise. It's all a ruse!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The Other Girl
"It's because she's living in that house alone," my mother explains.
"And she doesn't eat right. Day-old hamburgers," my grandmother adds.
"I didn't realize it was that bad," my grandfather mutters.
But she is in a more amiable mood than I have ever known her to be in. As we step into her house, she is smiling. There is a wiry strength in her hug that I do not recognize. "She taught me how to smile again," she begins, as if this girl is her angel, her savior. She wants us to meet her.
We sit and politely listen to her monologue of happy confusion. She speaks of a cat she saw the other day, and of church, and of my mother's childhood. "I love children. You know," giving a nod to my mother. "My grandchildren mean the world to me," as if introducing us to them. "You favor her," she breaks off, smiling at me with a distant fondness. "That's a good thing. A good thing..." My sister's eyes are pained.
Now she talks of my youngest sister singing at church. "Children love singing. You know that, baby" nodding at my mother. Then she says, "I sit right here all the time, I love to see her smile, and talk to her. I don't know why she doesn't talk back. Yes, I do know. She's a picture." She laughs. "I've got another in the back, on the dresser..." Her voice trails off.
"Has she had dinner yet?" And she points, one wavering and bony finger, at the picture whose frame is a halo in her eyes. The smiling picture who keeps her company, the picture she loves, the picture she is concerned for.
The picture is of me.
"And she doesn't eat right. Day-old hamburgers," my grandmother adds.
"I didn't realize it was that bad," my grandfather mutters.
But she is in a more amiable mood than I have ever known her to be in. As we step into her house, she is smiling. There is a wiry strength in her hug that I do not recognize. "She taught me how to smile again," she begins, as if this girl is her angel, her savior. She wants us to meet her.
We sit and politely listen to her monologue of happy confusion. She speaks of a cat she saw the other day, and of church, and of my mother's childhood. "I love children. You know," giving a nod to my mother. "My grandchildren mean the world to me," as if introducing us to them. "You favor her," she breaks off, smiling at me with a distant fondness. "That's a good thing. A good thing..." My sister's eyes are pained.
Now she talks of my youngest sister singing at church. "Children love singing. You know that, baby" nodding at my mother. Then she says, "I sit right here all the time, I love to see her smile, and talk to her. I don't know why she doesn't talk back. Yes, I do know. She's a picture." She laughs. "I've got another in the back, on the dresser..." Her voice trails off.
"Has she had dinner yet?" And she points, one wavering and bony finger, at the picture whose frame is a halo in her eyes. The smiling picture who keeps her company, the picture she loves, the picture she is concerned for.
The picture is of me.
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