Spring Cleaning

I was hoping to find something happy to post about...unfortunately, I didn't. Maybe next time.

My Nanny is moving to a nursing home tomorrow. No one has told her. But she doesn't have the mental capacity to take care of herself. She tried to eat hand lotion...three times. Directly after my mother reminded her it was lotion. She can't be left alone.

I have a music audition this Saturday. I am not ready. I already knew that, but I just played my pieces for my Great Aunt Rita, who happens to be visiting. I was lucky to finish the second piece. It was absolutely awful. You would think after 10 months with the same two pages I'd have more of a handle on it than I do. I don't know my minor scales. My goal is to not burst into tears during the audition. It's only 15 minutes. I can make it, right? And it'll be good experience. Totally worth the terror and humiliation. Right?

I cleaned my room this weekend (my mom made me). We had company coming (great aunt and uncle). People have been in and out of my house the past two weeks, and I feel like I've gotten nothing done. I haven't practiced piano nearly as much as I meant to. I didn't touch it at all yesterday. I was sick last weekend. I'm behind in my art history class (horribly behind...). And on top of all my spring cleaning, I've been doing a little last minute emotional and mental cleaning. And here is the result of that:

I have to amend my statements from an earlier post. (see Extended Metaphor (kinda))

So what? So what if you want to use me or manipulate me or play with me? So what if you bait me and toy with me and lie to me? What else am I here for? I don't understand why you would treat me that way, but I don't always treat my friends well either. So whatever. Have at it. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to stand in your way.

Because I cannot function if I can't believe that the people I love and care about have good intentions. I cannot comprehend that. And I can't find a middle ground. If there are people who aren't sincere and kind, then nobody is sincere and kind. I so desperately need to believe that people are good. I tried to see the middle ground, and I lost my balance. I broke down completely, an emotional vertigo. The world was full of strangers. I didn't even recognize myself.

So do what you want. I do not care. I'll probably forgive you again, and again, and again. It will be my gift, my sacrifice. This is what I offer the world: my persistently high opinion, just to spite reality. You cannot break me. I don't play the way you do, with twisted words and hidden agendas. You think you're getting away with it. You think you've won this game, and you might have, but it's not the one that matters. You think I'm a fool, and I wouldn't disagree with you. But here's a secret for you to mull over while you fill the gas tank of your get-away car:

I win.