A Thousand Words

So, I've been thinking lately about the sheer power of words. I talked a little bit in my last post about how words need to be backed up by actions, but really that's just the positive words. If those words are going to be believed, they need to be repeated, emphasized, pressed into minds and hearts.

But that isn't true for negative comments, especially with children. All it takes is one insult, and they'll believe it. Maybe even for the rest of their lives. I still remember things kids said to me in elementary school. Not cruel, damaging words. Just small slights that lodged in my head, that still crop up once in a while.

I remember things that I've said, comments I didn't stop to think through, rebuttals that were too sharp.

The thing is, I'm not the only one. I may be slightly over-sensitive, I don't know for sure, but I know everybody has been stung by words, and everybody has made their own verbal blunders. Why are we so careless? Why don't we teach caution in schools? We're so bent on securing our civil rights, our freedom of speech. What about our responsibility for our words?

People pepper their conversations with curses until they're completely illogical. If you drop your pencil, it's perfectly acceptable to drop the f-bomb along with it. Really? You couldn't say "oops" or "my bad" or just laugh? Why not be creative, or resurrect some little-used saying? "Crud." "Fiddlesticks." "Aw, crumbs."

And what about words that are just nasty? For instance, the term pissed off. There are a million other ways to communicate that sentiment. You could be angry, upset, miffed, ticked off, going nuts, driven crazy, driven bananas, driven bonkers, driven up the wall (you can be driven lots of places), furious, seething, sick of it, dealing with a pain in the neck, disgruntled, seeing red, about to blow a gasket, worked up, frustrated, wrathful, indignant, steaming, fed up, had enough, had it up here. You could just be plain mad. There are so many terms, so many options.

Choose wisely.

Miscellaneous

So I haven't blogged in a while. I couldn't decide whether I should start an entirely new blog for my upcoming college experiences or whether I should continue with this same old blog. Then I couldn't decide at what point I should switch.

The transition is graudual, so...I'm not going to acknoweldge it. I'm going to keep on blogging here, I think.

This summer has been...interesting. I've been enjoying myself, but there's also a little bit of guilt because I feel like I haven't accomplished much of anything. I feel wasteful and lazy and self-indulgent. So yesterday, I helped my mother prepare dinner and clean up afterwards. I also met up with my employer-of-sorts and former choir director to discuss what hymns I'll be playing at his church when I sub for him later this summer. And then my youngest sister and I dressed up as princesses, with princess hair and princess make-up and princess dresses, and watched a princess movie while eating princess ice cream.

I don't always know how to relate to my little sister. She's ten years younger than me. There's so many things I want to tell her, but I don't think words are sufficient. If those words are going to mean anything to her, they need to be accompanied by action, backed up by tangible proof. I need to show her. So that's partly what last night was. Last night was supposed to say, "You're beautiful and incredibly important. I love you."

When I read and comment on the multitude of stories she is constantly on the computer typing out, that is meant to say, "You're talented and I'm proud of you."

When I am out of town and I make sure to wear the bracelet she gave me every day, wondering if she'll notice when I show her the pictures, that says, "I missed you!"

I hope it translates.

Now what?

So, I graduated a week ago. :) By the time it actually came down to it, it didn't feel like I needed some silly ceremony to graduate from high school. The pomp and circumstance felt unnecessary.

I enjoyed the endless celebrating, though. Multiple parties the day before, dinner with the family afterwards, spending the rest of the night with friends. It's been fun.

Actually, blogging about the whole affair seems so much more official than the commencement ceremony felt.

I also had my senior recital of sorts on Tuesday. It went fairly well, although I definitely played better the other four times I played the songs that morning. Having been involved with musical activities the majority of my life, I have developed a general guide to preparing for a performance. And so, I present to you Nina's Successful Performance Strategy:

Beforehand:

1. Practice practice practice! Know your stuff backwards and forwards. And don't practice all at the last minute. It needs to be over time.
2. Don't say the 'n' word: nervous. It makes things worse.
3. Don't goof off or giggle. Stay serious and focused. No fears or tears, either.

During the Performance

4. Think hard about what you're doing. Focus on the technical aspects of your performance.
5. Don't think. Don't watch to see who's watching you. Don't think about the fact that you're actually performing. In a way, go on autopilot and let all that preparation you've done guide you.
6. Never let 'em see you sweat. Don't fidget, don't make faces. Pretend you know exactly what you're doing, even if you don't.
7. Smile and bow.

When I am Standing on the Edge

So today wasn't the best of days. Monday was great. It was my last Monday of school ever, and that prospect was just sooo exciting. Tuesday wasn't as good. Wednesday was better (Maria was back, and we went to the park and threw a frisbee at Mateo and company who doesn't have a codename...he can be Bama Boy), but today was teary. Part of the overflow of emotions might be due to my sleepiness. I stayed up a little later than usual the night before. And then there was a bunch of other random stuff and so I was pretty much Debbie Downer all day.

It didn't help at all that as I was coming home, I stopped to fill my dad's borrowed van up with gas. As I was pulling out, there was this nice thump and accompanying crunch: I hit something. And now there's this gorgeous red paint and scratches all on the driver's side of the vehicle. My parents are seriously unhappy with me right now. I got lectured on watching the mirrors and being aware of my surroundings (and the size of my vehicle). My mom said "What if that had been a little kid?"

And now I am going to subject myself to the second part of the math placement test for Auburn, even though I don't intend to take a math class (keep your fingers crossed!) and I already failed the algebra portion (I got a 68%....oops).

After the math test, I might play with my little sister or watch a movie or something. One redeeming factor about today: Chero signed my yearbook, and if Mateo followed through like he told me he would, then he signed it too. I also had my piano lesson and my teacher complimented the musicality of one of my pieces. :) YAY! I have a recital coming up and I'm excited. So there's some good news to counterbalance the less-pleasant aspects of today.

We graduate a week from today.


*The title of this post is a line from a song, "Breathe into Me" by Red. Good song. :) I also like their song "Already Over", if you wanna check it out.

(psst...this is my 50th post)

So last night was our school choir banquet. I was voted Teacher's Pet. Yay. Santa Maria was voted Helping Hands. My sister won Miss Sophomore and wasn't there to accept the award.

Anyway, so I think the banquet invaded my dreams. At least, memories of All-State with Santa Maria did. But instead of choir, we were in an All-State band (which doesn't make any sense because I can't play any band-like instruments).

I was late to rehearsal and didn't know the songs or what instrument I was expected to play. At first, no one that I knew was there. I was handed this large, white funnel with a motor at the base and ushered to the back row where a handful of other kids were wielding like devices. The band director began the song and I watched the other kids in my row out of the corner of my eye to see what I was supposed to be doing.

We didn't get very far in the song before the director stopped us. I quickly turned to the other kids for advice. "You have to flip the switch to turn it on," they said.

"Which switch? It's not labeled. Which way is on?"

"And you have to sway back and forth. That's how you get the vibrato."

I felt like a total idiot, pretending to play an instrument I didn't know the name of.

At some point, I became aware that Maria was there, and she knew what she was doing. I resolved to ask her for help later. Then Mito showed up and informed me that I wasn't wearing the proper garb. I had to buy one of the uniforms or I wouldn't be allowed to perform with the orchestra. So I looked around and everybody was wearing these muddy orange tunics. I asked where I could get one, and they told me to follow Mateo, who apparently had just left to buy his. But he wouldn't wait for me when I shouted to him, and then I lost him in the crowd. Then I couldn't find Maria or Mito to ask for directions.

Anyway, that was my dream! It wasn't quite a nightmare, but it was definitely an anxiety dream. I hate the idea of an unprepared performance, but I have lived this fear many times.

Choir concerts. Taking AP Tests. My Auburn music audition.

I hate feeling like a fraud.

So I'm going to go study for biology now, so hopefully I won't have yet another failed performance.

Ooh, by the way, I got my yearbook! I'm on the bottom corner of the back cover! I look all stoney-faced and serious, haha.

Ambitions

An Eclectic List of the things I want to accomplish in life:

1. Learn to play the guitar.
2. Compose a Sonata.
3. Perform a piano concerto (specifically Ravel's Piano Concerto in G Major).
4. Actually finish a story. Doesn't have to be long or published, just has to be finished.
5. Adopt.
6. Learn all of Schumann's "Scenes from Childhood".
7. Go on a mission trip to El Salvador.
8. Pay for a complete stranger's college.
9. Own a grand piano. Must be black and shiny.
10. Own a log cabin by a lake.
11. Watch snow fall from the warmth and comfort of a cafe in Canada.
12. Read a Spanish novel and comprehend most of it.
13. Learn to play the violin.
14. Temporarily dye my hair black, with dark dark purple streaks, and feathers woven in. :) But only temporarily!
15. Revisit this list one day and be able to check some items off.

For the Record

We got our caps and gowns. We already had Senior Recognition this past week. It was an incredibly long ceremony.

Tomorrow is my last real day of school before our exams start in earnest. This week is English and Math. I'm not too worried about either one. I'm doomed to fail math anyway, so...

I have contacted two girls who will attend Auburn with me and both plan on studying music as well. They are very nice and we're currently sending messages back and forth on Facebook with random facts about ourselves. I'm sincerely hoping they'll become good friends. It's going to be incredibly hard going from being surrounded by a few, very close-knit friends to being engulfed in a swarm of strangers. It usually takes me a while to really consider someone a friend, anyway, so I'm trying to get a head start. We'll see if anything comes of it.

And, Winston, my beloved car, died. I forgot to blog about it. I miss him, yes, but it was his time. He lived a full and happy life of 15 years and is now out of his misery. You see, he'd been battling an oil leak for a long time now. Poor fellow. He died on the 21st of April, I believe.

I think I need to stop naming and personifying inanimate objects. My mother was relaying the tragedy over the phone to the mother of a friend of mine, who exclaimed in horror, "What? Who died?"