August 18, 2010. My projected first day of classes at Auburn University.
Yup. I'm going to Auburn. At least, that's the plan.
I checked up on their recognition of credits from exam scores. I will never take another math class ever again, even if I fail this year's exam. You have no idea what a relief this is. I want to get as many credits as possible from our upcoming exams. We'll see how that goes.
I will be about two hours away from Santa Maria. Neither of us plan on having cars at first, so I'm not sure if we would actually be able to see each other, but the short distance is reassuring.
Everybody else will be forever and a day away from me, but that's where modern technology comes in handy.
That said, I refuse to think about college again for the next two months. I'm still a high school student right now. I think it's incredibly unfair of colleges to demand so much of us during our senior year. Very inconsiderate of them.
And now I'm off to do trivial homework. Good night. :)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Some Days...
You just have to smile. :)
WonderBoy made me a scarf. It is green and blue and yellow. It has fringe on the ends. I like it very very much.
Prom is coming up. I am determined to have fun, no matter what, and I hope all of my wonderful friends who are coming with me make the same determination. I think if we're all dead set on enjoying ourselves, we won't let little things bother us. There are already a few occasions this year that had potential to be very memorable, but they were slightly spoiled by outside circumstances. Well, not Prom night. Not happening. Prom night will be absolutely fantastic, and this year, all my friends will be there. I'm excited.
My great-grandmother has improved. They took her off some medication that was meant to relax and soothe her (she ended up somewhat mopey and depressed instead). My mother said she was absolutely thrilled when she came to visit. Nanny made some comment about my grandfather being a good man. And when my mom promised that we'd all come to visit her soon, my great-grandmother threw up her hands and exclaimed "Family joy!"
We're going to see her soon.
WonderBoy made me a scarf. It is green and blue and yellow. It has fringe on the ends. I like it very very much.
Prom is coming up. I am determined to have fun, no matter what, and I hope all of my wonderful friends who are coming with me make the same determination. I think if we're all dead set on enjoying ourselves, we won't let little things bother us. There are already a few occasions this year that had potential to be very memorable, but they were slightly spoiled by outside circumstances. Well, not Prom night. Not happening. Prom night will be absolutely fantastic, and this year, all my friends will be there. I'm excited.
My great-grandmother has improved. They took her off some medication that was meant to relax and soothe her (she ended up somewhat mopey and depressed instead). My mother said she was absolutely thrilled when she came to visit. Nanny made some comment about my grandfather being a good man. And when my mom promised that we'd all come to visit her soon, my great-grandmother threw up her hands and exclaimed "Family joy!"
We're going to see her soon.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Just To Say
I don't have much time tonight, because I'm swamped in homework. But while reading a play for school, I discovered a new favorite quote:
"Men can be analyzed, women...merely adored."
An Ideal Husband, by Oscar Wilde
"Men can be analyzed, women...merely adored."
An Ideal Husband, by Oscar Wilde
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Life More Abundantly
Despite the situation with my great-grandmother (who has not adjusted well to the nursing home and seems to be in a perpetually bad mood) and some other set-backs this past month, I feel like I've been showering in blessings.
I found an email today.
Dear Nina,
I would like to enthusiastically congratulate you on your acceptance
into the Auburn University Piano Studio. Your audition last Saturday
was one of my favorites, for several reasons.
First of all, I think you underestimate your skills as a pianist and
musician! Your technical apparatus is very natural, and your playing
is so musical. Your teacher has clearly done some excellent work with
you - please congratulate her for me.
Also, I was extremely impressed by your maturity and honesty in the
brief time that we had to talk during your audition. You brought up
some very valid points and we appreciated the fact that you had
obviously thought about this "next step" quite carefully. I am truly
confident that you would be a successful double-major candidate, and I
think you would fit in very well as a student within the music
department.
It was wonderful to meet and hear you. All the best,
Assistant Professor of Piano
Let me tell you guys a little story. It might sound strange, but here's the truth of the matter. Last fall, I prayed for humility, and God answered. I was in the car when I realized why I was suddenly struggling so much with this one song on the piano. My tears of frustration turned to laughter. So then I changed my prayer. I asked God to help me surrender this, my music, my piano, fully to Him. And to help me learn this song. And He came through. My piano teacher had suggested putting words to the melody so I could sing along in my head as I played. I chose this verse:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will answer you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Anyway, that worked and I learned it. And all this time I've been praying for guidance about college (isn't this verse so fitting?) . I had kind of planned to go to a Florida school, but neither of my options really impressed me. Well, God provided majorly. He pointed out a school I hadn't even considered and provided the financial means to get there. It just fell into my lap, neatly wrapped and labeled "To Nina, with love. From your Heavenly Father."
Meanwhile, I was excited about the opportunity, but despairing because this college does not accept music minors. And the idea of not continuing to study music seemed incredibly tragic to me. The piano professor emailed me, telling me if I wanted to audition anyway, I should show up March 6 at 1:15. I almost didn't go, but then I realized the only thing holding me back was fear. Fear of failure, of looking absolutely ridiculous. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know my minor scales, and my pieces weren't ready. The auditions committee even gave me a handicap and let me play songs that weren't on their list of accepted works. But I took a deep breath and said a long prayer and decided to go.
I'm sure that there's a reason I love music so much. There's a reason I studied piano for eight years. I'll find a place to use it. So I told God I'd trust him to show me where that place is, and that I'd audition, and watch for his lead.
Well, I don't know how good of a truster I am because I've spent plenty of time agonizing over stuff, biting my nails, yanking my hair out. (Not literally. Way too painful).
And this past week, as I was practicing until my fingers blistered, I kept stumbling through my second song. My choir director had told me it was meant to be over the top and frilly, written during the time of absolute monarchy, meant to display the power of the king. So I kept telling myself, "I am the state! I am in control of this piano!" Only that didn't work out so well, cos I totally wasn't in control. And then I had another epiphany. I would play this song to the glory of God, not myself. After all, what have I ever done to deserve any of this? And I survived the audition! The performance was flawed and my sight-reading was a tangled mess, but apparently the interview aspect went well, and it was enough to get me in!
Anyway, that's the long and short of it. (More long than short). I feel very loved.
I found an email today.
Dear Nina,
I would like to enthusiastically congratulate you on your acceptance
into the Auburn University Piano Studio. Your audition last Saturday
was one of my favorites, for several reasons.
First of all, I think you underestimate your skills as a pianist and
musician! Your technical apparatus is very natural, and your playing
is so musical. Your teacher has clearly done some excellent work with
you - please congratulate her for me.
Also, I was extremely impressed by your maturity and honesty in the
brief time that we had to talk during your audition. You brought up
some very valid points and we appreciated the fact that you had
obviously thought about this "next step" quite carefully. I am truly
confident that you would be a successful double-major candidate, and I
think you would fit in very well as a student within the music
department.
It was wonderful to meet and hear you. All the best,
Assistant Professor of Piano
Let me tell you guys a little story. It might sound strange, but here's the truth of the matter. Last fall, I prayed for humility, and God answered. I was in the car when I realized why I was suddenly struggling so much with this one song on the piano. My tears of frustration turned to laughter. So then I changed my prayer. I asked God to help me surrender this, my music, my piano, fully to Him. And to help me learn this song. And He came through. My piano teacher had suggested putting words to the melody so I could sing along in my head as I played. I chose this verse:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will answer you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
Anyway, that worked and I learned it. And all this time I've been praying for guidance about college (isn't this verse so fitting?) . I had kind of planned to go to a Florida school, but neither of my options really impressed me. Well, God provided majorly. He pointed out a school I hadn't even considered and provided the financial means to get there. It just fell into my lap, neatly wrapped and labeled "To Nina, with love. From your Heavenly Father."
Meanwhile, I was excited about the opportunity, but despairing because this college does not accept music minors. And the idea of not continuing to study music seemed incredibly tragic to me. The piano professor emailed me, telling me if I wanted to audition anyway, I should show up March 6 at 1:15. I almost didn't go, but then I realized the only thing holding me back was fear. Fear of failure, of looking absolutely ridiculous. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know my minor scales, and my pieces weren't ready. The auditions committee even gave me a handicap and let me play songs that weren't on their list of accepted works. But I took a deep breath and said a long prayer and decided to go.
I'm sure that there's a reason I love music so much. There's a reason I studied piano for eight years. I'll find a place to use it. So I told God I'd trust him to show me where that place is, and that I'd audition, and watch for his lead.
Well, I don't know how good of a truster I am because I've spent plenty of time agonizing over stuff, biting my nails, yanking my hair out. (Not literally. Way too painful).
And this past week, as I was practicing until my fingers blistered, I kept stumbling through my second song. My choir director had told me it was meant to be over the top and frilly, written during the time of absolute monarchy, meant to display the power of the king. So I kept telling myself, "I am the state! I am in control of this piano!" Only that didn't work out so well, cos I totally wasn't in control. And then I had another epiphany. I would play this song to the glory of God, not myself. After all, what have I ever done to deserve any of this? And I survived the audition! The performance was flawed and my sight-reading was a tangled mess, but apparently the interview aspect went well, and it was enough to get me in!
Anyway, that's the long and short of it. (More long than short). I feel very loved.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
An Update
My great-grandma did not sleep at all last night. Instead, she roamed the halls of the nursing home. They couldn't get her to be still.
She did not put up a fight like we expected her too. She was not completely informed (no one ever outright told her she wasn't going home. We're not sure whether she's figured it out or not). We'll have to see how she does, though. I'm afraid to get my hopes too high.
I have lost my iPod...I don't know where SoloMan went!!! I seem to be losing and misplacing and forgetting a lot of things these days.
We had cheesecake today. Cheesecake and fettucini. Num num. I exercised self-control and did not completely gorge myself. I only half-gorged myself.
I am swimming in homework.
It turns out both my parents will be able to come with me to the audition on Saturday. I'm still a little nervous. I don't feel prepared, but at this point, there's not much I can do about that. So, I will go and show them what I know. Maybe it will be enough. Maybe it won't. But that's not the point, is it? The point is that I did it. I took a chance. If I don't get into the music program, at least I'll know. I'll know that I tried.
And I'll know that I have an amazing support group who is way more faith in me than I deserve and loves me despite my shortcomings.
When I mentioned to my dad my fears of double-majoring (which is what I'm seriously considering right now, an English-Piano double major), he asked, "Well, can you major in music and minor in english?"
Usually, he's much more inclined to be the practical realist. He's told me on multiple occasions, 'You're no concert pianist.' I know. He's always been one to focus on what needs improvement. But recently, he has expressed an admiration for my determination (or stubbornness).
So, on his advice, on the insistence of my choir director, and with a nudge from Maria, I'm auditioning. As much as the idea of the audition terrifies me, the idea of a life without piano would be tragic. So I'll find somewhere to play, even if I don't end up double-majoring.
(Psst...you guys should listen to Unbreakable by Fireflight. Me gusta.)
She did not put up a fight like we expected her too. She was not completely informed (no one ever outright told her she wasn't going home. We're not sure whether she's figured it out or not). We'll have to see how she does, though. I'm afraid to get my hopes too high.
I have lost my iPod...I don't know where SoloMan went!!! I seem to be losing and misplacing and forgetting a lot of things these days.
We had cheesecake today. Cheesecake and fettucini. Num num. I exercised self-control and did not completely gorge myself. I only half-gorged myself.
I am swimming in homework.
It turns out both my parents will be able to come with me to the audition on Saturday. I'm still a little nervous. I don't feel prepared, but at this point, there's not much I can do about that. So, I will go and show them what I know. Maybe it will be enough. Maybe it won't. But that's not the point, is it? The point is that I did it. I took a chance. If I don't get into the music program, at least I'll know. I'll know that I tried.
And I'll know that I have an amazing support group who is way more faith in me than I deserve and loves me despite my shortcomings.
When I mentioned to my dad my fears of double-majoring (which is what I'm seriously considering right now, an English-Piano double major), he asked, "Well, can you major in music and minor in english?"
Usually, he's much more inclined to be the practical realist. He's told me on multiple occasions, 'You're no concert pianist.' I know. He's always been one to focus on what needs improvement. But recently, he has expressed an admiration for my determination (or stubbornness).
So, on his advice, on the insistence of my choir director, and with a nudge from Maria, I'm auditioning. As much as the idea of the audition terrifies me, the idea of a life without piano would be tragic. So I'll find somewhere to play, even if I don't end up double-majoring.
(Psst...you guys should listen to Unbreakable by Fireflight. Me gusta.)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Spring Cleaning
I was hoping to find something happy to post about...unfortunately, I didn't. Maybe next time.
My Nanny is moving to a nursing home tomorrow. No one has told her. But she doesn't have the mental capacity to take care of herself. She tried to eat hand lotion...three times. Directly after my mother reminded her it was lotion. She can't be left alone.
I have a music audition this Saturday. I am not ready. I already knew that, but I just played my pieces for my Great Aunt Rita, who happens to be visiting. I was lucky to finish the second piece. It was absolutely awful. You would think after 10 months with the same two pages I'd have more of a handle on it than I do. I don't know my minor scales. My goal is to not burst into tears during the audition. It's only 15 minutes. I can make it, right? And it'll be good experience. Totally worth the terror and humiliation. Right?
I cleaned my room this weekend (my mom made me). We had company coming (great aunt and uncle). People have been in and out of my house the past two weeks, and I feel like I've gotten nothing done. I haven't practiced piano nearly as much as I meant to. I didn't touch it at all yesterday. I was sick last weekend. I'm behind in my art history class (horribly behind...). And on top of all my spring cleaning, I've been doing a little last minute emotional and mental cleaning. And here is the result of that:
I have to amend my statements from an earlier post. (see Extended Metaphor (kinda))
So what? So what if you want to use me or manipulate me or play with me? So what if you bait me and toy with me and lie to me? What else am I here for? I don't understand why you would treat me that way, but I don't always treat my friends well either. So whatever. Have at it. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to stand in your way.
Because I cannot function if I can't believe that the people I love and care about have good intentions. I cannot comprehend that. And I can't find a middle ground. If there are people who aren't sincere and kind, then nobody is sincere and kind. I so desperately need to believe that people are good. I tried to see the middle ground, and I lost my balance. I broke down completely, an emotional vertigo. The world was full of strangers. I didn't even recognize myself.
So do what you want. I do not care. I'll probably forgive you again, and again, and again. It will be my gift, my sacrifice. This is what I offer the world: my persistently high opinion, just to spite reality. You cannot break me. I don't play the way you do, with twisted words and hidden agendas. You think you're getting away with it. You think you've won this game, and you might have, but it's not the one that matters. You think I'm a fool, and I wouldn't disagree with you. But here's a secret for you to mull over while you fill the gas tank of your get-away car:
I win.
My Nanny is moving to a nursing home tomorrow. No one has told her. But she doesn't have the mental capacity to take care of herself. She tried to eat hand lotion...three times. Directly after my mother reminded her it was lotion. She can't be left alone.
I have a music audition this Saturday. I am not ready. I already knew that, but I just played my pieces for my Great Aunt Rita, who happens to be visiting. I was lucky to finish the second piece. It was absolutely awful. You would think after 10 months with the same two pages I'd have more of a handle on it than I do. I don't know my minor scales. My goal is to not burst into tears during the audition. It's only 15 minutes. I can make it, right? And it'll be good experience. Totally worth the terror and humiliation. Right?
I cleaned my room this weekend (my mom made me). We had company coming (great aunt and uncle). People have been in and out of my house the past two weeks, and I feel like I've gotten nothing done. I haven't practiced piano nearly as much as I meant to. I didn't touch it at all yesterday. I was sick last weekend. I'm behind in my art history class (horribly behind...). And on top of all my spring cleaning, I've been doing a little last minute emotional and mental cleaning. And here is the result of that:
I have to amend my statements from an earlier post. (see Extended Metaphor (kinda))
So what? So what if you want to use me or manipulate me or play with me? So what if you bait me and toy with me and lie to me? What else am I here for? I don't understand why you would treat me that way, but I don't always treat my friends well either. So whatever. Have at it. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to stand in your way.
Because I cannot function if I can't believe that the people I love and care about have good intentions. I cannot comprehend that. And I can't find a middle ground. If there are people who aren't sincere and kind, then nobody is sincere and kind. I so desperately need to believe that people are good. I tried to see the middle ground, and I lost my balance. I broke down completely, an emotional vertigo. The world was full of strangers. I didn't even recognize myself.
So do what you want. I do not care. I'll probably forgive you again, and again, and again. It will be my gift, my sacrifice. This is what I offer the world: my persistently high opinion, just to spite reality. You cannot break me. I don't play the way you do, with twisted words and hidden agendas. You think you're getting away with it. You think you've won this game, and you might have, but it's not the one that matters. You think I'm a fool, and I wouldn't disagree with you. But here's a secret for you to mull over while you fill the gas tank of your get-away car:
I win.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Golly Moses
Well, a lot has happened since my last post.
My great-grandmother is in a rehabilitation center. I think by now I've mentioned it to most of you loyal readers (all five of you!) But Nanny had a stroke last week. My grandad found her unable to talk, unable to write, to communicate at all.
We've been visiting her a lot. She's improved. She can murmur "I love you. God bless..." and she can repeat almost anything you say. My mommy made a scrapbook for her with pictures of all our family. She can read the names, but when she comes to words like 'on' or 'at' or 'the' she gets stuck. She keeps randomly counting. "One, two, three, four, five..." My grandma bought her a teddy bear and a donut on Valentine's Day.
I know strokes are serious, and it's sad to see her so helpless, but honestly, I think I might be glad this happened. It sounds horrible. But if nothing had changed, she would have lived the rest of her life alone and bitter in her cold and empty house. Now, she is surrounded by people who love her.
We've always loved her. Of course we have. But she never received it well. My mother quit buying her real presents because she would always find something wrong with it and return it. It was a chore to visit her, but it was our duty. We would stay for a half hour, no more, and listen to her pessimism.
Her doctor said the stroke took the meanness out of her.
She kept stroking the purple pajamas my grandma bought for her and muttering 'whoowee!" She keeps giving everyone hugs, over and over and over, and telling us she loves us. She smiled when my grandma caught her sneaking dessert before she'd eaten her beans. I've never seen her smile like that before. She's like a child in so many ways. She poured over the scrapbook my mama gave her, read it twice. She was waiting for me by the front door when I came yesterday. Some days I hardly recognize her, she's so pleasant.
I don't know how much she will recover. I don't know if she'll be able to live on her own. I don't know if she will turn bitter again. I hope that part is never recovered. But if it is, at least she was able to show my grandma for once that she appreciates all she does. At least my mom will have given her one gift she truly loved. At least we will have legitimately enjoyed her company for a little while. At least we will have these memories of her.
It's not ideal. But I'm thankful God let us meet this side of her.
My great-grandmother is in a rehabilitation center. I think by now I've mentioned it to most of you loyal readers (all five of you!) But Nanny had a stroke last week. My grandad found her unable to talk, unable to write, to communicate at all.
We've been visiting her a lot. She's improved. She can murmur "I love you. God bless..." and she can repeat almost anything you say. My mommy made a scrapbook for her with pictures of all our family. She can read the names, but when she comes to words like 'on' or 'at' or 'the' she gets stuck. She keeps randomly counting. "One, two, three, four, five..." My grandma bought her a teddy bear and a donut on Valentine's Day.
I know strokes are serious, and it's sad to see her so helpless, but honestly, I think I might be glad this happened. It sounds horrible. But if nothing had changed, she would have lived the rest of her life alone and bitter in her cold and empty house. Now, she is surrounded by people who love her.
We've always loved her. Of course we have. But she never received it well. My mother quit buying her real presents because she would always find something wrong with it and return it. It was a chore to visit her, but it was our duty. We would stay for a half hour, no more, and listen to her pessimism.
Her doctor said the stroke took the meanness out of her.
She kept stroking the purple pajamas my grandma bought for her and muttering 'whoowee!" She keeps giving everyone hugs, over and over and over, and telling us she loves us. She smiled when my grandma caught her sneaking dessert before she'd eaten her beans. I've never seen her smile like that before. She's like a child in so many ways. She poured over the scrapbook my mama gave her, read it twice. She was waiting for me by the front door when I came yesterday. Some days I hardly recognize her, she's so pleasant.
I don't know how much she will recover. I don't know if she'll be able to live on her own. I don't know if she will turn bitter again. I hope that part is never recovered. But if it is, at least she was able to show my grandma for once that she appreciates all she does. At least my mom will have given her one gift she truly loved. At least we will have legitimately enjoyed her company for a little while. At least we will have these memories of her.
It's not ideal. But I'm thankful God let us meet this side of her.
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